By Lyonel Doherty
It’s not even New Years and I’ve broken every single resolution already.
Wait a minute . . . I didn’t make any. Must have been thinking about someone else.
If you don’t make any resolutions, you can’t break any, which I find is a good rule of thumb. That way there’s no disappointment.
But you have to admit it feels good to tell an acquaintance that you’re going to lose weight or quit smoking (even though you probably won’t). It’s just too hard, and you’ve made a resolution not to work so hard in 2018 (Now that’s one goal we can all strive to keep.)
Getting more exercise looks good on paper, but when it really comes down to it, it’s tiring. Even looking at a $300 fitness tracker makes me tired.
I was thinking of starting a new routine of taking the dog for a walk. It’s not a resolution; just an idea, so don’t get too excited. I plan to buy a small pork roast, tie it on the end of a stick and hold it in front of the dog. Probably work great on hills when you don’t want to work up a sweat.
Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself here. I forgot that my favourite TV show airs five nights a week, so that rules out the walks. So I was thinking of erecting one of those Nerf-like basketball hoops on the wall behind the TV; that way I can work on my three-pointers during commercials.
But the truth is, my doctor says I have to start getting out more in the new year. So I will; a few extra steps past the mail box.
Seriously, though, I told my doctor that if he stops making me wait a half hour every time I show up for a medical appointment, I’ll run a marathon. But I’m not worried because that’s one resolution my doctor will never keep.
Resolutions . . . smezolutions. They’re overrated. Save yourself the agony of defeat by focusing on something that really matters, such as ordering in pizza.
My point is life doesn’t have to be so complicated all the time. Society needs to de-regulate with a big “relax-o-meter” on every street corner.
Just chill. Man. Be a sad sack once in a while. Give your cell phone to a monkey. Miss an appointment. Conform to nothing. Say no when you normally say yes. Kid yourself.
And just when you think you’re a new person, your favourite TV series proves otherwise.
Oh well, you tried.
Happy new year . . . I think.